So I am a special kind of stupid lately..I don't call myself stupid to be self flaggelating but in a matter of stated fact~ I have done some rather stupid and simple minded things lately...
If my stated goals in life right now are to:
Have a loving and sustaining relationship
Work in an interesting and lucrative position
Get into and attend Law School
Pay off outstanding debt and build solid wealth....
Why do I keep doing things that are opposite to acomplishing these tasks?
I had a job that I enjoyed and hated all at once..It paid very well and its challenges kept me interested daily..I quit my job~
I met a guy who seemed rather enamoured with me..so much so he came across country and stayed in a hotel for 5 days just to see me and be near me...I told him I needed space...
I have yet to contact my school to get the things I need for my application process...I have not paid my car note in 3 months and I owe three of my closest friends money....
WHAT IN THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM? How have i strayed so far from my personal path and truth? what is it enternally that keeps saying that I dont want the things i think i want...why sabbotage life when it has been good to me?
anyone have any answers out there in cyberspace please feel free to share~
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Online dating sites....
So almost three years ago I ended a long relationship...more than just the relationship ended and entire life ended but it seems that no one wants that much info...It seems easier to just say I ended a relationship...anywho I digress~
I have met men in many places and curious ways since my new found singledom...At work~ what a nightmare....At the gym~usually bi...and occasional random places like the mall or a bookstore....But recently I have been investigating online dating websites...
So my review of several sites has led me to believe that men are just as lonely as women...WOW I have gotten some rather interesting pictures....some more graphic than others....I have recieved invitations that felt more like solicitation of sexual services....There was one who emailed me a "form" letter.....I have gone on 11 dates from these online sites...and out of these I would possibly date 2 of them again....The rest were not horrible or uninteresting men...its just I could understand why it is that they are single.....This leads me to think that if all of the men that are out there looking and all the women out there looking....are we looking for the right thing and how do we find each other to connect?...We are in an age of technology and advanced understandings...But why does it feel like the traditions and customs that mated male and female were better at matching us up?...I know a few women whose marriages were arranged as it were...Not a practice that is shown favorably often in hollywood...Three of the women I know whose husbands were picked for them had a choice of men that were pre-selected and they went on a meet and greet and said yes or no based on that.....Imagine if that were a mainstream practice....What if your Father and Mother selected Five candidates and you had to go on first dates with them and determine if they are the one for you....I know I am putting this in simplistic terms but the what if is so interesting......
I have met men in many places and curious ways since my new found singledom...At work~ what a nightmare....At the gym~usually bi...and occasional random places like the mall or a bookstore....But recently I have been investigating online dating websites...
So my review of several sites has led me to believe that men are just as lonely as women...WOW I have gotten some rather interesting pictures....some more graphic than others....I have recieved invitations that felt more like solicitation of sexual services....There was one who emailed me a "form" letter.....I have gone on 11 dates from these online sites...and out of these I would possibly date 2 of them again....The rest were not horrible or uninteresting men...its just I could understand why it is that they are single.....This leads me to think that if all of the men that are out there looking and all the women out there looking....are we looking for the right thing and how do we find each other to connect?...We are in an age of technology and advanced understandings...But why does it feel like the traditions and customs that mated male and female were better at matching us up?...I know a few women whose marriages were arranged as it were...Not a practice that is shown favorably often in hollywood...Three of the women I know whose husbands were picked for them had a choice of men that were pre-selected and they went on a meet and greet and said yes or no based on that.....Imagine if that were a mainstream practice....What if your Father and Mother selected Five candidates and you had to go on first dates with them and determine if they are the one for you....I know I am putting this in simplistic terms but the what if is so interesting......
Monday, May 14, 2007
Late night awakenings....ramblings...
So I rarely sleep lately...I have bouts of insomnia that usually correct themselves after the stress that causes it is resolved...
Last night up late I began chatting with a old high school friend on Instant Messenger.. we talked past relationship woes current financial woes and then we began discussing our spiritual beliefs and I read as he typed about how he always felt a connection to God but never to the "social scene" that he perceived Church to be. Then he asked me about my own beliefs and wow he didn't even know the can of worms that would open!!
But out of being forced to explain what I know in my self to be the truth about my beliefs I was able to ask some rather challenging questions of myself!!
I told him that I believe that Christ sacrificed himself to save us not because that is what God needed him to do to open heaven to us but what we humans needed him to do so that we could believe that we are worthy of the Love that God has for us and wants us to share. I told him that I get irritated when I hear folks say Jesus is God and God alone, not to doubt the divinity of Christ but the limitation of GOD into a compartment....So then to further explain I said its like saying that the bottle of Dannon in my fridge is the Pacific Ocean...not negating that Dannon is water but that it was just water and not the whole and entire expanse of life as an ocean....Life giving properties water has and a small bottle of it can change the world literally~ Christ as the living example of God's love.. the word made manifest into flesh as the Prophetic scripture required...But is the short life of Christ walking among us really the total representation of the creator of the Universe? If so then who was he praying to during all the prayers...he was pleading in some scripture to not have to fulfill the scriptural prophecies..who was he pleading with? Theologians will debate and people will argue and have their own views..but I state only my own.....
This more more than my friend bargained for in conversation but it was helpful for me to put into definable context how I actually perceive this. It has been my experience that "christians" and "muslims", "hindus", "agnostics", "druze", "jews" and any others often identify themselves as Desani, Dannon, and Vitamin water without recognizing the fact of H2O being undeniably H2O no matter who its packaged by and what additives are placed in it..... God's reality does not depend on us... No matter how many containers and nice packages we wrap our creator in the make up is the same God as always and hopefully this world will get thirsty enough and Drink in God finally!!
I often take issue with the limitations humans put on this life that we have been given...in some scripture you will read Christ saying that life was given to us to live abundantly...I wonder if he thought abundance was containable?
Last night up late I began chatting with a old high school friend on Instant Messenger.. we talked past relationship woes current financial woes and then we began discussing our spiritual beliefs and I read as he typed about how he always felt a connection to God but never to the "social scene" that he perceived Church to be. Then he asked me about my own beliefs and wow he didn't even know the can of worms that would open!!
But out of being forced to explain what I know in my self to be the truth about my beliefs I was able to ask some rather challenging questions of myself!!
I told him that I believe that Christ sacrificed himself to save us not because that is what God needed him to do to open heaven to us but what we humans needed him to do so that we could believe that we are worthy of the Love that God has for us and wants us to share. I told him that I get irritated when I hear folks say Jesus is God and God alone, not to doubt the divinity of Christ but the limitation of GOD into a compartment....So then to further explain I said its like saying that the bottle of Dannon in my fridge is the Pacific Ocean...not negating that Dannon is water but that it was just water and not the whole and entire expanse of life as an ocean....Life giving properties water has and a small bottle of it can change the world literally~ Christ as the living example of God's love.. the word made manifest into flesh as the Prophetic scripture required...But is the short life of Christ walking among us really the total representation of the creator of the Universe? If so then who was he praying to during all the prayers...he was pleading in some scripture to not have to fulfill the scriptural prophecies..who was he pleading with? Theologians will debate and people will argue and have their own views..but I state only my own.....
This more more than my friend bargained for in conversation but it was helpful for me to put into definable context how I actually perceive this. It has been my experience that "christians" and "muslims", "hindus", "agnostics", "druze", "jews" and any others often identify themselves as Desani, Dannon, and Vitamin water without recognizing the fact of H2O being undeniably H2O no matter who its packaged by and what additives are placed in it..... God's reality does not depend on us... No matter how many containers and nice packages we wrap our creator in the make up is the same God as always and hopefully this world will get thirsty enough and Drink in God finally!!
I often take issue with the limitations humans put on this life that we have been given...in some scripture you will read Christ saying that life was given to us to live abundantly...I wonder if he thought abundance was containable?
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Alone and The Lonely....
This being single business is super overrated!!
I am sick to death of people telling me " oh your so lucky you got out while you were still young and without kids" or "Hey its better to be alone cuz you can do bad all my yourself" and my personal favorite " Now you can enjoy yourself and be free"...
UGH!!!! That stuff is all crap!!
Isn't the point to be in a relationship so that you have a partner? Don't you want to do bad with someone else? Haven't these people heard that Misery Loves Company~ another of my personal favorite cliches. I wanted kids he had one it was great!! I WAS enjoying myself and in the relationship i felt FREE.. Now being a single twenty-something i feel like a sitcom plot. My life had direction when were together..maybe not the direction i wanted..but direction none the less. This drifting shit has to end don't logs usual drift ashore after a while??? I mean even Whales accidentally land and beach themselves....
Am I so stupid to have rather been in a functional state of dysfunction? I am one to enjoy the company of an enemy I know rather than face a new fiestier opponent... Its so hard to be this fucking brave all the time...I am battle weary and I don't even have a clue as to who or what I am fighting!! Its become an epic battle of the super sHeroic purportion to win what? For the longest time I honestly thought I was fighting the "DON'T BECOME YOUR MOTHER" battle... But that ship sailed and sank~ I am some morphed version of her and my father that is what I was always supposed to be I am almost completely ok with this.... So now all of this fervor and to fight what? Whom? Hell how?
The rage that drives my life is a direcitonless band of hyperactivity...
When I reach out to the wise sage friends and family memebers I get advice that is almost as cliched as the relationship stuff: Go to school and consentrait on your studies~ get into law school; Make money - get out there and make your fortune!!; Do what makes you happy follow your life's bliss; Help build the Kingdom of God....... My only question and response to such advice is " I am doing all of this and I am still missing my mate...Now what?"
No one has given me a satisfactory answer...Wait...I am told constantly to wait...But if you have ever met me you would know that I don't know how to wait...I am perfectly fine waiting in lines, I don't freak out at the post office~much~ I can even sit on an airplane for hours on a runway and do my Soduku puzzles perfectly content...But this wait on a man business is more than a patient Christian Buddhist can stand!! I can pray,fast,exercise,meditate, and lay it down at the alter what I can't and am no longer willing to hear is WAIT!! I like action words and the last time I checked the word Wait was not a VERB....A command~ I think it is an Adverb- but not an Action word........
I say all of that to say that I am trusting the Lord to provide and the Universe to reveal who I am and who my Mate is its just a lonely long wait and I need some reinforcements.....
I do still date don't get me wrong I go out, but it is so rare and it's not like when I was first released into the single jungle. I am far more selective in who I share my time and attention and dinner with really... That is not saying that I am only dating the Football players with Ivy League Education 401K and Aston Martin Vanquish in the driveways...I hope those exist in my future but seriously I still go out with the average Video game playing, State College drop outs who drive Toyotas but have nice smiles and great conversation or washboard abs......
I just feel as I move onward and upward into the grown up anti-GLAMOROUS LIFE it would be great to share with someone..I don't want to wait until I am all perfect to get the guy I want to be imperfect with him and go into eachother's pefectly imperfections....Like Mimi sang in Rent I want someone whose baggage maches my own!! boy did she have some baggage.....
I am sick to death of people telling me " oh your so lucky you got out while you were still young and without kids" or "Hey its better to be alone cuz you can do bad all my yourself" and my personal favorite " Now you can enjoy yourself and be free"...
UGH!!!! That stuff is all crap!!
Isn't the point to be in a relationship so that you have a partner? Don't you want to do bad with someone else? Haven't these people heard that Misery Loves Company~ another of my personal favorite cliches. I wanted kids he had one it was great!! I WAS enjoying myself and in the relationship i felt FREE.. Now being a single twenty-something i feel like a sitcom plot. My life had direction when were together..maybe not the direction i wanted..but direction none the less. This drifting shit has to end don't logs usual drift ashore after a while??? I mean even Whales accidentally land and beach themselves....
Am I so stupid to have rather been in a functional state of dysfunction? I am one to enjoy the company of an enemy I know rather than face a new fiestier opponent... Its so hard to be this fucking brave all the time...I am battle weary and I don't even have a clue as to who or what I am fighting!! Its become an epic battle of the super sHeroic purportion to win what? For the longest time I honestly thought I was fighting the "DON'T BECOME YOUR MOTHER" battle... But that ship sailed and sank~ I am some morphed version of her and my father that is what I was always supposed to be I am almost completely ok with this.... So now all of this fervor and to fight what? Whom? Hell how?
The rage that drives my life is a direcitonless band of hyperactivity...
When I reach out to the wise sage friends and family memebers I get advice that is almost as cliched as the relationship stuff: Go to school and consentrait on your studies~ get into law school; Make money - get out there and make your fortune!!; Do what makes you happy follow your life's bliss; Help build the Kingdom of God....... My only question and response to such advice is " I am doing all of this and I am still missing my mate...Now what?"
No one has given me a satisfactory answer...Wait...I am told constantly to wait...But if you have ever met me you would know that I don't know how to wait...I am perfectly fine waiting in lines, I don't freak out at the post office~much~ I can even sit on an airplane for hours on a runway and do my Soduku puzzles perfectly content...But this wait on a man business is more than a patient Christian Buddhist can stand!! I can pray,fast,exercise,meditate, and lay it down at the alter what I can't and am no longer willing to hear is WAIT!! I like action words and the last time I checked the word Wait was not a VERB....A command~ I think it is an Adverb- but not an Action word........
I say all of that to say that I am trusting the Lord to provide and the Universe to reveal who I am and who my Mate is its just a lonely long wait and I need some reinforcements.....
I do still date don't get me wrong I go out, but it is so rare and it's not like when I was first released into the single jungle. I am far more selective in who I share my time and attention and dinner with really... That is not saying that I am only dating the Football players with Ivy League Education 401K and Aston Martin Vanquish in the driveways...I hope those exist in my future but seriously I still go out with the average Video game playing, State College drop outs who drive Toyotas but have nice smiles and great conversation or washboard abs......
I just feel as I move onward and upward into the grown up anti-GLAMOROUS LIFE it would be great to share with someone..I don't want to wait until I am all perfect to get the guy I want to be imperfect with him and go into eachother's pefectly imperfections....Like Mimi sang in Rent I want someone whose baggage maches my own!! boy did she have some baggage.....
Thursday, April 26, 2007
First Blogspot posting.....Here goes
So i am reading Bid by Bird, Annie Lamott. My sister and best friend gave this to me with the other three Annie Lamott books i wanted :). She is just that kind of sister, you say hey i like this author and she gives you the entire collected works of said author. I guess we are kind of a pair like that, i am forever giving away jewelry, time, clothes, food, and or money anytime someone expresses a desire for it. I am not sure if this self giving is an expression of love for others as much as a giving away of myself. I spend a lot of time thinking about my own motives in being and open book and open giving person. My mother is the most generous person with limited resources the world has ever seen. She would bring home homeless people, feed and house entire families in our house, sometimes not even our home!! Once we were visiting my grandmother in her rather expensive Chicago hi-rise condo on the river. I was in the living room watching television and my mother brought in this very dirty woman who was obviously homeless. My mom was turning on the shower and getting clothes out of my grandmother's closet and having this woman wash up and get dressed. I was amazed that my mom the woman who is afraid of the dark and anything that goes bump in it would bring a total stranger into someone else's house and invite them to eat with us....
I think the more i fight becoming my mother there are some attributes that i will not escape~
So when a friend says hey i love those earings, i tend to say here have them :) and i never think twice about it until someone points out that i just gave away a pair of earings i liked. Now don't get me wrong i don't give everything i love away but in reality i rarely love things. I have never valued a thing more than a person and its that person's love i want to keep to myself. So is it buying love that we do when we give away ourselves? Or is it a part of loving and being free to give and recieve equally. I really hope it is the second with me!! I mean i have rarely ever asked for a thing and not recieved it...for that matter its the rare occasion that i have asked for someone's love and not recieved it. So maybe that is the gift of it all~ if you are freely giving you can freely recieve. I wonder if my mom is able to recieve the love as easily as she gives......
Another blog for another time i suppose~
I think the more i fight becoming my mother there are some attributes that i will not escape~
So when a friend says hey i love those earings, i tend to say here have them :) and i never think twice about it until someone points out that i just gave away a pair of earings i liked. Now don't get me wrong i don't give everything i love away but in reality i rarely love things. I have never valued a thing more than a person and its that person's love i want to keep to myself. So is it buying love that we do when we give away ourselves? Or is it a part of loving and being free to give and recieve equally. I really hope it is the second with me!! I mean i have rarely ever asked for a thing and not recieved it...for that matter its the rare occasion that i have asked for someone's love and not recieved it. So maybe that is the gift of it all~ if you are freely giving you can freely recieve. I wonder if my mom is able to recieve the love as easily as she gives......
Another blog for another time i suppose~
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